September 26, 2008
The last time I wrote, I was on a plane returning back home to California. It will probably be one of those days that I will never forget. I’ve been trying to find the best words to describe my feelings on that day, but I honestly can’t even figure it out myself.
I felt happy, excited, relieved, guilty, shameful, confused, angry, betrayed, and most of all disappointed. With so many emotions constantly running through me, it all makes since as to why I can’t get back to normal.
The promises I made to myself are not happening. I don’t have a job, I can’t get back to running or the gym, I can’t get my relationship back to normal, I can’t get ME back. That girl that was always on the go, always finding a way to work out no matter what, always maintaining her appearance compared to the highest standard, always ready to go out for drinks and meet new people, and always smiling because she was having fun. That girl was me or I guess I should say used to be me.
I’m not back to normal yet and by normal I am referring to the person I was before everything that has happened in the past few years. I want to get back to happy, confident, and fun.
Its not that I haven’t tried…..I have been looking for a job, I registered to take my final course before graduating (again), I go running or to the gym occasionally, and I’m trying to be the me that Clee fell in love with.